Inspired by seeing a black pickup truck with "Toyota" written on the back in silver gothic font--

The Goth Redneck List:

Basic Goths

• If your ankh can be used as a bottle opener . . . you just might be a goth redneck.
• If your black velvet cloak has Elvis painted on it . . .
• If you go by "Count Bubba" . . .
• If you have crushed velvet overalls.....
• If you drive a hearse with a shotgun rack . . .
• If you are the proud possessor of an all-black double-wide trailer . . .
• If you wear black fishnet hose with cowboy boots . . .
• If you only hold barbeques after dark . . .
• If you line dance to Depeche Mode . . .
• If you and your dog wear matching black leather studded collars . . .
• If you have more than one set of black bib overalls,
• If your hearse is jacked up with monster truck tires and deer lights......
• If you refer to the Prince of the City as "The Good ol' boy of Birmingham..."
• If you dip clove chewing tobacco.....
• If your rooster crows at moon rise........
• If you can belch the lyrics to anything by "Dead can Dance"......
• If you wear a silver John Deere logo as a body piercing......
• If you and your dog have matching tongue piercings.......
• If your coon dogs are named Bela and Lestat........
• If your hearse's horn plays the first few notes of Dixie, in D minor.....
• If you smoke cloves in a corncob pipe.....
• If you write Gothic poetry about your "Achey Breaky Heart."......
• If you get up at 4 AM every morning to collect eggs from the raven coop........
• If you buy your wine from Wal*Mart....

Undead Goths

• If your crypt has at least three coffins up on blocks . . .
• If you and your buddies like to stalk anorexics chanting "Less Filling! Tastes Great!" . . .
• If you have only -one- fang,
• If your casket is primer colored.....
• If you have hickeys with fang marks........
• If you check the blood type of your victim with a dipstick.......
• If you don't have two front teeth, but you do have fangs.......
• If your banjo is made of human flesh and bone.......
• If your beer cans have fang marks.......
• If you love Skinny Puppy......with taters and gravy.........

Spanky Goths

• If you have a pair of black latex overalls, with no crotch.......
• If you fantasize about your sister while listening to "Sisters of Mercy"......
• If someone yells "Hoedown!" and your dominatrix hits the floor......
• If Your fishnet or PVC shirt has your name on the pocket.......

Contributions from Karl & Laura Gallagher, Jim Fox-Davis, and Patrick McKinnion